Updates from Earth

Dearest Kevin,

Whenever I see a couple totally engrossed in their conversation with each other, it always remind me of our animated conversations, normally during our dinners together.

There are just so much things going on with our families and friends which I know you are being updated just by watching over us from above.

We are now watching how fast Matthew, Rachael and Lucas are growing. Matthew is now part of a basketball team (your favourite ball-game), Rachael will soon be the next chatterbox in the family once she warms up to us and Lucas will catch up with you and his Papa in size haha!! Even Ian has grown so much!

The KL group has grown organically quickly over the past 4 years, Nomis and Kim will be parents really really soon!! Most of your friends are already proud parents of 1-2 kids.... naming all will mean this post gets really long :)

Both Mums and Dads are doing well, lest for age catching up... and just to gossip...Mummy Anne still has her astonishing appetite (which never fails to amuse you) and we are constantly awed by her. Your band of brothers and sisters are all well and have always been taking care of me by dropping me calls from whichever country they are in, bringing me out for dinners, dropping visits whilst in Singapore and catching up when I visit them in their host countries.

Not forgetting your daughter and her mother... food is still their No 1 priority. Meagan's mummy is luckier... she gets to go out almost every night enjoying food while Meagan has to rely on what leftover meats gets dished out from her Grandma's soups.

Very quickly, the 1st quarter of 2012 has passed and I have not gone for any trips. So continue to watch me from Heaven whilst I continue to explore the Globe.

Good night my dearest!

Speaking without words

Having attended quite a number of weddings and having friends planning to get married always make me happy that another couple has just started a journey which I enjoyed with Kevin.

Seeing the happy couple walk through the door always remind me how we, during our own wedding preparation, chose a hotel ballroom with a short aisle as both of us weren't comfortable having the spotlight on us while entering the ballroom. I remember minutes before the door opened, he squeezed my hand and smiled at me. Without words spoken, we both knew what the gesture meant ... "Well, the time is finally here and let's just do it".

2 years ago, he tried to open his eyes to look at me and again without words, we both knew what it meant ....."Well, the time is finally here and we have to part".

Most part of my life, Kevin was always the one who pushed me to better myself in life. Without his constant encouragement, nothing felt right. Now, just thinking of him is enough to make me complete my runs, overcome issues at work and cherishing my days with family and friends.

These 2 years felt like a lifetime but I made it through. Surprisingly enough, the sport which I hated is the very sport that made me overcome mental and physical barriers ... running!

I know Kevin will be proud of me... being able to complete runs AND drive myself around without getting lost :)

A New Item for Each New Change

I remember how Kevin would get so excited each time we have new thing cropping up, be it a new trip, a new job, a new addition etc. He would insist on getting something new to welcome the new change.

Many years ago, we went for a holiday at a beach resort. He wanted to be one of those hunks that strode around with fashionable sunnies. At the same time, he didn't want the hassle of changing to his normal specs each time he goes into a building. Hence, he decided to explore wearing contacts. For those who have known him well, he had such small eyes that they would just disappear when he laughs (I didn't dare to make him laugh while he was driving :) ). Every morning, I had to wait more than half an hour for him to put them on cos they just couldn't fit in easily!!!

At the same time, each time I changed a new job (I changed numerous times), he would insist on buying me something new. Well, I shan't complain as these became little treasures with stories... but back then, I would lovingly "grumble" at him but still wear them with pride.

Finally, today is the start of a totally new change in my life. I started a new job positing at a new organization and Kevin isn't around to give me the boost and his usual "surprise" present. However, I carry with me the words of encouragement that he constantly provided. That was all I needed to walk in there with confidence that I will find a way to survive.

Dearest Kevin

Thank you for always looking out for me

I know you are constantly watching me from above

Especially dedicated to you Kevin - my 1st Run

For the many who know me well, running for the LRT/MRT was my only exercise :)

After so many considerations of when I should start doing something about my exercise, I was presented a challenge 2 months ago. My good friend asked me to join her in a Race Against Cancer on the 4th July for a 5km run. I could feel the usual excuse of "maybe next time..." at the tip of my tongue. Somehow, I managed a "Let's Do IT"!!

Very soon, 4th July came and I only managed to train 3 times.... thoughts of not being able to complete kept popping in my head. The 2 friends that ran with me kept me going with encouragements.

At the 4km point, I was starting to get giddy and my legs didn't feel like mine anymore! At that point, all I could think was that if Kevin could bravely fight so well, I could complete this run for him.... AND I DID IT!!

This Run is dedicated to my dearest Kevin

I hope to complete more runs in memory of this gentle giant

What Lies Ahead...

The day Kevin left, all the milestones we set for ourselves before growing old just died alongside with him. Although we knew the odds were stacked against us, we still planned for short term goals and were glad we achieved some but the rest were beyond our reach.

What seemed like a planned life of settling down first with dogs, then to welcome our kids, getting around to being the best parents we could to striving to put them through school till waiting for our grandchildren to enter the world and most importantly having each other for support... all just disappeared.

Getting through each day without Kevin was all I could get through. Slowly I learnt to break my routines by going out occasionally but there were so many times I just wished I could fall asleep and never wake up.

Slowly I learnt to crawl out of this cycle..... I slowly learnt to let go of my biggest regret that I could have tried harder to find other ways in helping his treatment. I slowly learnt to accept that he had received the best to what was available and to our best abilities. I accepted the fact that there could only be so much treatments Kevin wanted to subject himself to. I accepted the fact that no matter how much I talked about Kevin in present tense, his life on this earth had to end 2 years ago and my life had to go on.

As his 2nd death anniversary approaches, I did make some baby steps in rebuilding my life. I looked around me, saw and still see so many good friends cheering me on. I knew that only I can make the change in my life. It is with much prayers and a leap of faith that I am moving out of my comfortable environment and challenging myself in a new one.

Who knows what lies ahead ... but Kevin's parting words will carry me through all the lows and highs of my life till we meet again.

"Once you decide on something, don't regret,

move on, you made the right choice"

Kevin to Linda

18th October 2008

Thank you my love, you always knew how I felt and would feel

His effort or mine

Someone's statement to me recently brought me back in time when I pondered over the same concern. I was then searching for answers about Christianity and back then, between the both of us, I was deemed to be of "stronger faith" than Kevin. Then, I looked around and inwardly asked myself, "Shouldn't it be my husband through faith and knowledge, be the one leading me to deeper faith and understanding of Christianity?".

After journeying with Kevin, I witnessed how Kevin's faith grew by leaps and bounds and it was in no way because he was led by his wife of "stronger" faith. The level of faith in me paled in comparison to him. His hungry need to learn more about the faith first gave new meaning to discipline in our lives.

To us, even as new Christians, we had to work hard in putting aside time to read the Bible together and discuss new passages with each other. There were times, the drama serials seemed much more exciting and tempting than reading the Bible passages. Mostly it was Kevin who had more discipline and perseverance and I learnt from him.

During his fight with cancer, Kevin experienced other complications. In the earlier months, we constantly reminded each other to say a short prayer whenever we met with difficulties (big or small) throughout the day. Hence, when Kevin was faced with the many complications and challenges, we would reach out to each other and say a prayer together. Situations somehow works out by his doctors offering assistance or that a desperate call to his old SGD ward was received by his nurse who by recognizing my voice and Kevin's conditions was able to help me at 12 midnight.

Looking how far Kevin has come, his growth in knowledge and faith was certainly not led by a "stronger spouse". It was his hunger and discipline in setting aside quiet time daily to gain wisdom from the words and teaching of The Lord.

I have since then came to realization that if I yearn to grow in faith and knowledge,

first, I need to make the effort myself.

Moving Forward Meaningfully

Time has certainly passed and books have been leaved through in attempts to move forward. No one nor books can fully illustrate and prepare one how to survive losing someone you so dearly loved.

Most of the time, past tense was avoided to maintain the surreal feeling that everything is not true and that the experiences were just fragments of a movie. Suddenly it gets hard to recall when was the last time we laughed and enjoyed a moment just like an ordinary couple planning for their lives ahead.

Waking up seems even harder when actually with time, things should get better. Sticking to routines at times makes me just want to phone him like how I used to. How I yearn to receive a call from him and when reality sets in that the phone will never ring, the pain just creeps up and engulf the heart slowly like a python strangling its prey in a slow death.

Just when everything seems to spin out of control, Kevin's smiling face would appear in mind and flashes of happy memories somehow makes me smile. Life perspective seems clearer and the the heart feels lighter.

A day that passes signifies a day I am closer to meeting him in God's paradise and sharing all the things that I have set out to fulfill.

Meanwhile, I continue to brace myself in facing the challenge which have been the toughest in my life... the challenge of moving forward meaningfully.

Balloons Flying High

18th October was always celebrated with laughter as it marks the date of our Giant entered the world.

So off we went to a shop at Upp Serangoon to get find him some balloons and fly them high.

Of course the penguin caught our eyes as we used to tease Kevin with things that were tacky or deemed childish.

We found a rock somewhere and found some nice wrapping paper to create a fancy weight to tie the balloons to.

It was so nice to see them swaying to and fro around his headstone.

Cheers to the kiddish balloons Darling!

Memorial of Kevin

17th October 2009

1st Memorial of Kevin Yeo

Even with the passing of time, Kevin's jokes, hearty laughter and the way he enjoyed the countless moments with family and friends is constantly replayed our minds and heart.

Almost one year from his passing, family and close friends came together in joining me in remembering Kevin and how well he lived his life.

A memorial service was held at his place of rest at CCK, 4pm. The sun was scorching and we were blessed with occasional breeze to keep us cooler.

It was a solemn moment as we shared how Kevin's fight touched our hearts and how it changed our lives.

All headed back to our cozy home and we enjoyed an array of different cuts, just like how Kevin would love to have, Western Style.

We had lamb chops, beef slices, chicken chops, BBQ ribs, mashed potatoes, spaghetti, buns and we finished it off with an orientaldessert (Pulut Hitam). Food was delicious, although there was a glitch in the orders, we were had our tummies satisfied.

We then gathered and walked through Kevin's journey with a compilation of photographs and songs.

It captured most of Kevin's happy moments and he never failed to smile in any caption.

Just thinking about his cherry look makes me smile.

We talked about Kevin and caught up with each other in our lives. It was a cherry and heartwarming night and I know Kevin was smiling at us from above.

It was the family and friends that made his memorial meaningful and memorable

Thank you all for sharing that night with me

Linda

"We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body,

and to be present with the Lord"

2 Cor 5:8

In loving Memory of My Beloved Kevin

To many people, it might seem that time has flown by and it has already been 1 year since Kevin left us. However, it feels like a decade has lapsed since the last smile he gave me seconds before he lapsed into a coma.

Weeks before the anniversary date, I alighted at the wrong LTR station and I ended up where I used walk to have dinner with him on weekdays. Time suddenly stood still and I could still recall our day end conversations about the time to meet ... I fondly remember how he used to bring my slippers so that I could walk home comfortably.

The best part of my working life was working alongside with him. Of course we had silly quabbles (which couple wouldn't ... having to see each other almost 24 hrs daily) but there was always a sense of fulfillment when we completed the day's work and return home to our 2 dogs. Although he wasn't a crazy animal lover like me, just to let me have 5 more minutes of sleep each morning, he would get up earlier to feed them so that we could get to work on time. It was also him who normally reminded me when their food or vitamin supplements ran out ...

Each time I have Teochew porridge, I would remember the suppers we had at Zion Road where he simply loved the fish with the sour and spicy gravy. Later we did find the same version at Upper Serangoon Road (thankfully as we have since moved to Sengkang).

It seemed like ages ago since I last heard his hearty laughter ... although it has only been 30 months since our world turned topsy turvy. I wished we bought our digital camera earlier, so that I could capture the other happy moments in our lives before he fell ill.

Working on capturing memories of his life into a slideshow, I spent many nights recalling how we caught our first crab, fish, abalone ... went for movie marathons, our road trip with our friends to the north of Perth ... how I used to cook 3 dishes every night in Perth for our dinners to cater to his fussy tastebuds and how he used to play basketball till he forgot dinner has already gone cold

I was once so mad that he kept me waiting till almost 10pm and I shoved all the food into fridge and tried to sleep. The smart boy anticipated the volcano erupting so he and his partner-in-crime quietly bought hot and sour soup from my favourite chinese restaurant, Billy Lee's, to appease me and his partner's girlfriend (the 4 of us were housemates). At that point, I was fuming but the sight of him coming in his sweaty basketball attire with the takeaway soup looking so sheepish, I could only burst into laughter. Well, of course out came all the food which I prepared and we had supper along with the takeaway soup.

Looking back, the happy times shared didn't stop when his illness came, in fact, whilst we were fighting his cancer, we reached out to each other even more and shared the contentment of having the warmth of each other and the love from family and friends. We didn't want to waste precious time as we both accepted the reality that even though we are going to fight the cancer positively, there is no guaranteed cure. He was very open with his feelings and he didn't want to shy away from reality and if there is anything he could control, he wanted to control how he lived his life.

So we would plan the little activities which he could manage without feeling too tired like baking his breads, making pizza, cooking lasagna, trips to compasspoint to buy ingredients, night trips to Ikea to do some furniture shopping. When I returned to work, my mum will take him to the nearby mall for their favourite subway sandwich and when I returned home at night, he would have some story or two to tell me. When he gets too tired to talk, my mum will fill me in the events and he would smile each time he wants to emphasize certain points When he had more energy, he would be the one telling me all about his day.

As he grew weaker, we had to learn how to read his body language or signals so that we could anticipate how he would feel. Most of us will take it for granted that taking a bath is a simple action, but when one is ill, taking a bath could zap up all the energy. To assist him in his bath, everything has to be in place before we start (he was particular in the clothes he wore so we had to chose the correct ones beforehand), otherwise, the extra few seconds of waiting could rob him off a few breaths of oxygen. Once he was all nice and comfortable, the smile on his face was all I needed to carry on. (I used to tell him that our kids should inherit his set of teeth, not mine, as I always loved that smile)

Of course he had his many moments of frustrations and the only thing I could do was to hold him tight and with a short prayer together, we managed to overcome those moments.

Even now when I type this posting, Kevin's darling black princess is sleeping beside me and I can vividly recall how she used to beg her "father" to give her attention and she was the only dog that Kevin had a soft spot for.

The days will continue to pass, now it has become 1 year, soon it will be 2, 5 ...15 and the day will come when we will meet once again.

Kung-Fu Panda

The moon cake festival brings back fond memories of how Kevin loved eating the moon cakes. The both of us could just sit and while chatting, slowly take numerous small slices of the the moon cakes and before we realize, half the box of moon cakes were gone.

I remember telling him all the funny stories of the young me getting my lanterns burnt and how my brother and sister will try to persuade my mum in buying me a new one so that I wouldn't be so sad. When we had some time, we would go browse through rows of lanterns on sale and start pointing out which sort of designs we used to get when young.

So while I was walking though the shops selling lanterns yesterday, I just like buying one just for him. I couldn't settle on the fish or the dragon and suddenly Lynette spotted another shop. It was spot on ..... there is was and I know Kevin would settle for that too! It is The Kung-Fu Panda!!! I remember Kevin telling me how he enjoyed watching this cartoon and how he laughed at the Panda's funny antics.

So the Kung-Fu Panda is here to stay for at least a few weeks ... I hope it lasts :)

With Me All The Time

Each day when I ride the bus to work, hooked on my i-pod and looking up unto the clear blue sky, I visualize him smiling at me from above.

Many times I have well wishing friends who tell me that I am strong. However, deep down inside I know that I am not. There are so many times that I just tell myself that it is so painful to go on and I just want to be where he is. When there were dreams of us together, I wished I never woke up.

How I long to be able to argue with him every morning who should wake up first just to earn those extra minutes of sleep or to have an occasional prank played on me or even having one of our silly quarrels and so much more.

Being the partner that always think ahead for our future and always conscious in taking care of my feelings, he left me with many encouraging words as he knew how much I cherish and needed them. Although he is so far away from me, his presence is so very near and I could almost hear him repeating those encouraging words at my low moments. After that, somehow, the sky will seem to be brighter, the songs livelier and my heart lighter.

He taught me how to count my blessings and to pray each time the burden gets heavy. Going through this journey and remembering Kevin's fight, it changed my perspective in life. Living my life is not just planning for the future by doing the maths for retirement, it is how to best live my life. 

Even though we have been apart for 9 months, to me it just seems like yesterday I heard his robust laughter and holding his big hands. Having these memories and his assurance, I made it for 9 months and will continue to make it through.

The Scorching Sun

The last few weeks posed a challenge to me in keeping the turf on Kevin's plot as green as it can be. Even with the hiring of a care-keeper to assist in watering the turf within the weekdays couldn't save the grass. What made it worse was the heat reflecting from the black granite surrounding it.

It was so sad to see my beautiful purple flowers (planted behind the headstone) dried up into crispy bits. The picture on the left is when it was blooming. 

Nevertheless, my always encouraging mother had many ideas to help remove the plants and arranged my butterflies around the back to make it look alive. Out came different suggestions what to plant next that is able to survive the dessert heat. Well, it looks like a trip to the garden is to be made this weekend!

Meanwhile, I hope the weather could be a little kinder and gentler to revive the grass and plants around... and of course especially the little turf specially planted for my Dearest!

My little GodDaughter II

Proudly I present to you my beautiful goddaughter II, Caridee. 

So angelic she is when she sleeps and such pure innocence she portrays when she smiles. Those pretty eyes will stare at me when I gently rock her and sing a song to her. Just carrying her in my arms gives me much joy that new life brings to one. 

It was heartwarming when her parents, Wilson and Elaine, asked me to be her godmother as Kevin and I have been waiting for her arrival ever since we received the good news. 

Kevin is Rejoicing

Whilst watching the baptism of Kevin's parents on 3rd May  2009, I felt his presence just beside me. I know his heart is filled with joy as it was one of his last wishes before he embarked on his next journey.

My heart was glad but also filled with emotion as this joyous occasion would be so beautiful if he was physically here with me.  However I know he is smiling at us from the beautiful heaven above.

Pastor Jack and Angie, Siang's parents and my sister were there together with other church members from all the sister churches.

Siang wanted to be there but the national's call of duty was too strong, he had to report to "camp david" 

Happy Easter

When we first met, Kevin looked forward to Easter Sunday for the galore of chocolate easter eggs available at the supermarkets.

Especially in Perth, weeks that led to this joyous day, you will see easter eggs on sale everywhere you go!

So Kevin must have the bunnies and at the same time, I spotted some pretty birds to complete the garden.

The pair of birds keep each other company all day, along with the butterflies!

4 bouquet of flowers to beautify Kevin's place.

The pair of bunnies added the touch of Easter to everything!

Check out the parrot and ... hmmm.... I can't remember the name of the yellow bird :)

It is Finally Built!

The soil has set in firmly and it is time to start work.

From the time the temporary grave was erected, many ideas started forming to how best represent Kevin's style in the structure marking his place of rest. From a pure white marble structure to a garden style feature with an area to fit a patio umbrella to "lounge" to many more...

All these months, the tombstone guy was extremely patient with me while I practically walked from block to block look at examples. With his input of what is practical and what is not, I finally decided on a simple black structure with carpet grass covering the top. I hope Kevin likes the final touches to it.

For 5 months I couldn't decide which photograph to use and what wordings I should inscribe. So came the inspiration one day while I was in church and ho and behold, the first draft was born! 

So work started beginning of April and within 3 weeks, it was all ready and shiny!

The inscriptions reads 

"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing" 2 Tim 4: 7-8

This is the 1st week after the structure was finally completed.

Kevin loved to dress in either chic black or smart white.

Chill Out - 16 years on

When I was 16... wonder if I am still recognizable

Most of my friends who are also the readers of this blog are from GenX or earlier so I reckon this nostalgic moment that I experienced, you guys could somehow relate to it...

I was invited to attend a last chill-out session at my old primary & secondary school (St Nicholas Girls').  The building which I spend almost my entire childhood will soon be demolished to make way for a new school building for the ...GenZ or GenZa perhaps.. 

Going back and bumping into my junior in the 14th company of girl guides which I belonged to and seeing them "fully grown" suddenly made me laugh. Of course they are grown up and no longer are the yearlings that were quiet and needing of guidance... I have since left school 16 years ago!! (now you can all know my exact age)

It was heartwarming to see the same old "Teh Tarik" Uncle Mobee still there making the best Teh that I ever drank. How about the fried chicken auntie who still wears the same type of hair clip and still frying the best chicken wings in the world.... oh not forgetting the chilli which I secretly drowned my chick wings in!! Imagine, I consumed so much chilli that it turned my lips purple with the vinegar content. I remember competing with my friend on whose lips can turn purple earlier.

Looking at the stall menus now, I am quite impressed with the range of food schools now serve the young generation. Imagine, they are having JAPANESE CURRY RICE now!!! I heard that schools are even serving sushi and the kids now need at least 3-4 bucks for their daily meals. Wow, then when I was in primary school, I only had my mum's packed lunch and 50 cents daily which i sparingly bought the chick wings and of course dunked the poor wing in chilli. Well for the new generation.. parents out there, gotta work harder boy!

Walking through our foyer, I suddenly remembered how I "led" a group of friends during my secondary 4 year and "illegally" bought durians from a durian truck that came into school to sell to the canteen aunties / uncles (think they had some kind of pre-arrangement). My nose led me to it and of we all pooled money and bought I think 1 to 2 fruits. We were happily tucking in when our chemistry teacher came earlier into class and caught us with our hands 

deep into the fruit. She was cool about it to our relief. She even asked us where we bought it from. My was I relieved as I hardly get much into trouble and this was my boldest quest. Haha!

At the end of the evening, we had a good time laughing at all these past events. But most importantly, I got to meet up with friends whom I have not seen for the longest time and it was good to see that it is going on well for them!

Jasmine - classmate in secondary school (left)

Debbie (right) - my pre-primary classmate when we were 6 years old

Qing Qing - The 2nd longest friend since Primary 2 after Debbie

The infamous Uncle Mobee (in white) and his fabulous Teh Tarik!

A Special Place

Everyday for the last 5 months I wake from my dreams to yet another day without hearing the soothing low voice that I am so accustomed and in-tuned with for more than a third of my life. Fast as it seems that time has passed, it also feels like a lifetime without his presence.

Each day is largely filled with activities at work but I deeply miss our lost routine. The lost routine of calling him the minute I leave the same office building... counting the train stations while co-ordinating with him the exact time he should leave home to ensure we step into our dinner venue almost simultaneously... walking our dogs... contemplating if we should break our diet and indulge in a sundae... and so much more.

His fighting spirit still lives on and it propels me to make good of my life and to cherish all around me. Each time I encounter a difficult situation, I still feel and hear him beside me, rooting for me. 

I recall the day before he left me, we were driving home from his little birthday celebration at Sentosa, he said to me "Dear, you must have confidence in the decisions you make, have faith that they are right and follow them" At that juncture, I was in a hurry in trying to maneuver out from a bad jam along ECP as I wanted to fly him home, I reckoned he was telling me to have more confidence in cutting onto another lane as he is a very steady driver. 

Days after he was called home , I tried to put the recent events in place as everything prior seemed like a blur to me. It then came to full realisation to me that those were some of his parting words and he was preparing me for my journey ahead. That is so very like Kevin, he always have my interest in mind and it is very much still.

While I have to get accustomed to my new routines, the old routines will always have a special place in my heart.

Bad Hair Day

Again, over the weekend, I tried my hand in shaving my baby girl's fur.

In the midst of action, I could almost hear Kevin chastising me as he always did each time I tried shaving our dogs "Dear, for goodness sake, bring them to the groomers for a good haircut! How would you like to go out with an uneven haircut like theirs!"

As usual, I would blame it on the shaver blade... not sharp enough, too old a model, angle not right. Sad to say, she IS very patchy but at least i got the job done! My famlily says she now looks like a kampong dog...

Well, the consolation is - FUR GROWS!!

This was taken during her better hair days!