Speaking without words

Having attended quite a number of weddings and having friends planning to get married always make me happy that another couple has just started a journey which I enjoyed with Kevin.

Seeing the happy couple walk through the door always remind me how we, during our own wedding preparation, chose a hotel ballroom with a short aisle as both of us weren't comfortable having the spotlight on us while entering the ballroom. I remember minutes before the door opened, he squeezed my hand and smiled at me. Without words spoken, we both knew what the gesture meant ... "Well, the time is finally here and let's just do it".

2 years ago, he tried to open his eyes to look at me and again without words, we both knew what it meant ....."Well, the time is finally here and we have to part".

Most part of my life, Kevin was always the one who pushed me to better myself in life. Without his constant encouragement, nothing felt right. Now, just thinking of him is enough to make me complete my runs, overcome issues at work and cherishing my days with family and friends.

These 2 years felt like a lifetime but I made it through. Surprisingly enough, the sport which I hated is the very sport that made me overcome mental and physical barriers ... running!

I know Kevin will be proud of me... being able to complete runs AND drive myself around without getting lost :)

A New Item for Each New Change

I remember how Kevin would get so excited each time we have new thing cropping up, be it a new trip, a new job, a new addition etc. He would insist on getting something new to welcome the new change.

Many years ago, we went for a holiday at a beach resort. He wanted to be one of those hunks that strode around with fashionable sunnies. At the same time, he didn't want the hassle of changing to his normal specs each time he goes into a building. Hence, he decided to explore wearing contacts. For those who have known him well, he had such small eyes that they would just disappear when he laughs (I didn't dare to make him laugh while he was driving :) ). Every morning, I had to wait more than half an hour for him to put them on cos they just couldn't fit in easily!!!

At the same time, each time I changed a new job (I changed numerous times), he would insist on buying me something new. Well, I shan't complain as these became little treasures with stories... but back then, I would lovingly "grumble" at him but still wear them with pride.

Finally, today is the start of a totally new change in my life. I started a new job positing at a new organization and Kevin isn't around to give me the boost and his usual "surprise" present. However, I carry with me the words of encouragement that he constantly provided. That was all I needed to walk in there with confidence that I will find a way to survive.

Dearest Kevin

Thank you for always looking out for me

I know you are constantly watching me from above

Especially dedicated to you Kevin - my 1st Run

For the many who know me well, running for the LRT/MRT was my only exercise :)

After so many considerations of when I should start doing something about my exercise, I was presented a challenge 2 months ago. My good friend asked me to join her in a Race Against Cancer on the 4th July for a 5km run. I could feel the usual excuse of "maybe next time..." at the tip of my tongue. Somehow, I managed a "Let's Do IT"!!

Very soon, 4th July came and I only managed to train 3 times.... thoughts of not being able to complete kept popping in my head. The 2 friends that ran with me kept me going with encouragements.

At the 4km point, I was starting to get giddy and my legs didn't feel like mine anymore! At that point, all I could think was that if Kevin could bravely fight so well, I could complete this run for him.... AND I DID IT!!

This Run is dedicated to my dearest Kevin

I hope to complete more runs in memory of this gentle giant

What Lies Ahead...

The day Kevin left, all the milestones we set for ourselves before growing old just died alongside with him. Although we knew the odds were stacked against us, we still planned for short term goals and were glad we achieved some but the rest were beyond our reach.

What seemed like a planned life of settling down first with dogs, then to welcome our kids, getting around to being the best parents we could to striving to put them through school till waiting for our grandchildren to enter the world and most importantly having each other for support... all just disappeared.

Getting through each day without Kevin was all I could get through. Slowly I learnt to break my routines by going out occasionally but there were so many times I just wished I could fall asleep and never wake up.

Slowly I learnt to crawl out of this cycle..... I slowly learnt to let go of my biggest regret that I could have tried harder to find other ways in helping his treatment. I slowly learnt to accept that he had received the best to what was available and to our best abilities. I accepted the fact that there could only be so much treatments Kevin wanted to subject himself to. I accepted the fact that no matter how much I talked about Kevin in present tense, his life on this earth had to end 2 years ago and my life had to go on.

As his 2nd death anniversary approaches, I did make some baby steps in rebuilding my life. I looked around me, saw and still see so many good friends cheering me on. I knew that only I can make the change in my life. It is with much prayers and a leap of faith that I am moving out of my comfortable environment and challenging myself in a new one.

Who knows what lies ahead ... but Kevin's parting words will carry me through all the lows and highs of my life till we meet again.

"Once you decide on something, don't regret,

move on, you made the right choice"

Kevin to Linda

18th October 2008

Thank you my love, you always knew how I felt and would feel