Tribute To My Love

Dearest Kevin

Having journeyed with you, especially during this trying year and a half, made me realize how rich I am....rich with the love and warmth you brought into my life 12 years ago.

You taught me how to live life to the fullest even in the early days of our relationship. Together we studied as hard as we could while sampling food at most corners of Perth, threw dinner pot lucks at our hostels, went abalone and crab catching, "ran" movie marathons and much much more! It is always your laughter and sincerity that made each day a moment to be treasured.

With God's guidance, you found a job in Singapore and we continued our journey together. Your gentle disposition gave me great comfort each time I am faced with difficulties and very soon I am back on track again. This great stress reliever is the main driving factor to finish up work quickly.

An indecisive me always have you to make the firm decisions and to re-assure me that my plans are the best ones. Your motto I will carry in my heart for life is: "Never regret! Any decision you make, make the best out of it.....even if it may not seem that ideal after all".

Sincerity is the glue that binds all that we do. You always consider my comfort and feelings first in almost everything you do. I will always remember how we meet at a nearby food court for dinner on weekdays. You knew that I will wear out my feet wearing high heeled shoes, so you always tried to remember my slippers so that I could walk home comfortably.

Laughter always fills the room whenever you are around. You have a knack of cracking crazy sometimes weird jokes! Many a times they make my eyes roll as I would have heard them few times over but just by listening to the bellowing laughter makes me smile and it is all worthwhile. For all who have known you before cancer definitely longed to hear that laughter again. Although the laughter was not as intense as you were mostly tired, I am always spirited to see the twinkle of mischief in your eyes and the sound of your soft laughter.

Selflessness is your virtue and I am privileged to be the recipient. Even when you were undergoing treatments, you tried your best not to inconvenience anyone or cause people around to be sad. You once told me that this is your suffering alone and no one should bear the brunt of it, therefore you always wore a smile even when in pain. During rare times, you made signs of frustrations at both in the hospital and home but you would always apologize and try to make up for it. When you tried to negotiate your way out in discharging from the hospital, you were always mindful to thank the doctors and nurses for the trouble.

The happiest day of my life is when we became husband and wife, 20th September 2003. All photographs captured us and our guests either smiling or laughing heartily, even the photographer commented that he too enjoyed our wedding. No hiccup could mar our memorable day as we knew the only thing that was important was our union!

Your compromising nature is the grounding factor that we got over our differences quickly. We agreed that time should be spent with our hearts happy, not wasted being angry. I am so glad for this guiding principal as it have left me with an ocean of happy recollections.

Although now I can't hear your laughter or feel your assuring arms around me, the rich memories you left behind will carry me through. The pain of losing you physically never seem to go away but pride makes it more bearable.... the pride for having the privilege to be chosen by you as your life partner.

Dearest Love

I promised you that I will pick myself up and continue living like how you taught me to.
Everyday I look forward to meeting you again and there will be no more separation.

End of One Journey, Beginning of Another

For a man who was afraid of even a small cut on his finger, Kevin bravely fought the last few months in pain and great discomfort. This was then controlled by the administering of pain relieving medications.

My pain of seeing him not being able to sleep, often woken up by the aches and pains, is nothing in comparison with the pain he went through, both physical and emotional. However, most importantly, he knew that the Lord is with him at all times and it gave him much comfort and strength.

Although he was mostly feeling tired, he wanted and gathered his strength to spend his birthday, 18th October, at a Sentosa resort. Even when he was physically weak, he always wore a smile for me every time he looked at me.

This smile he reserved for me, he gave it to me for the last time on Sunday, 19th October. It was the sweetest smile ever as he started to wave his hands as if he was orchestrating a symphony.... I believe he could hear the beautiful music from Heaven. He then slowly laid back on the recliner chair and he could no longer respond.

The hospice nurse was already on her way while these were happening and she arrived soon after he lost responsiveness. As it was Kevin's wish to depart this world at the place he loved most, our home, she made sure he was in no pain and prepared me for his departure. Time stood still as I held his hands and looked at his beautiful face...

I believe he could hear me even if he could not respond physically. At times, tears will form around his eyes and that made me even more certain he knew I was talking to him. Upon Pastor's arrival, he read a verse from the bible and said a prayer for Kevin. The moment that was completed, Kevin struggled to open his right eye and he saw both pastor and myself. He then let out a sigh of physical relief as he departed and went home to a better place... into the arms of The Lord.

The Lord answered Kevin's prayers - to take him home in a peaceful and dignified manner where he will begin a new journey, one with no more suffering and pain.

"I have fought a good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith"
2 Tim 4:7

A Celebration Of Life

As the months drew on, the cancer progressed and the body was weakening. However, his drive for living life to the fullest was stronger.

He savored every moment we had together with our families, friends or just the both of us. The highlight of October was the surprise birthday celebration we threw for him. Friends and family from abroad and Malaysia made their way down on the 4th of October to celebrate this joyous day for this remarkable man....

The radiant smile he wore the whole night is still etched in my mind. He whispered to me that he is so happy and overwhelmed that he wants to cry... but he will not cry as he is to enjoy the company of everyone.

As the 48 of us sang in unison a Happy Birthday song to him, I could feel his heart swell with joy and longing.... longing for a chance to celebrate his next birthday and the birthday after next with everyone in that room. The room was filled with emotions as I knew everyone's birthday wish for him is to get well soon.

The party carried on with much laughter and smiles as we came together with a common aim - to celebrate with great joy with this wonderful man God blessed us with.

Kevin had the most beautiful cake, a present from his KL buddies. There was montage of photos at different stages of his life and it reflected how well loved he is. Kevin's love for sweet foods certainly took charge of what he had that night....the icing of the cake!

The night ended with a sweet touch of a wonderful chocolate dessert and a toast from all to him.

When I prepared him for bed that night, my heart was warmed at the sight of the contented face sleeping peacefully.... Sweet dreams my love!

The Next Battle

Upon the clearance of the infection, our spirits were uplifted as we won yet another battle. I was just getting ready to return to work that Monday when the doctor called for a CT scan to have a better picture of his condition.

On 1st June, the doctor explained to us that the cancer has progressed and the scan showed an increase in tumor growth. It was heart wrenching to see the disappointment in Kevin's face. Both of us could not control our tears while waiting to be referred to a radiation oncologist for assessment. Our hearts were so laden with tears and disappointment as we have so much more to walk together as a couple. It just seemed cruel at that moment as we had fought so many battles and yet the war could not be won.

We held on to each other tightly for comfort and strength. Months of pain and endurance flashed before me as I was reminded of the how Kevin pulled through his transplant. It was a silent scream within me as I wanted to take over it all and not have him experience anymore disappointment or pain. Our pain eased slightly upon the radiation oncologist explaining how radiation therapy could try to help control the growth of the tumor.

Kevin wanted to give it another shot as long as his body is able to take it. He was determined as he wanted more birthdays and Christmases to be celebrated together with me. I could still see the pain and frustration in his eyes as he tried to give me an re-assuring smile.

Together, we embarked on yet another battle. A battle which he fought bravely all the way till the very end.....